If I Were In Charge
by thewretchedchild
Summary: Liason. A Story In Jest. No kind to most GH characters, so beware. R&R Please!


Disclaimer: I own nothing, I have nothing, lol  
  
This story is a short, in jest, rant. I Don't actually want all of this to happen, and certainly not in the style I've outlined here, but I'm a frustrated little GH watcher, so this is how I have fun.  
  
Warning! Not a diplomatic story! Don't get mad!  
  
If I Were In Charge  
  
"But Liz!" Ric shouted, "You cannot leave me! I am the one for you. I've proven it by lying, scheming and using our love as an example of my martyrdom. How could you not love me?" Liz sniffed.  
"Quite easily Ric. Invoking old pagan laws (?), I will repeat my desire three times to make it so. I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you." She turned to face Sonny, who sat smirking at Ric, and said, "Get therapy, get therapy, get therapy." Sonny was suddenly struck with the thought that maybe he needed to talk to someone other than Jason, someone with qualifications, and wandered out of Ric's office, determined to seek professional help immediately. Ric started to speak, but Liz lifted her hand, saying, "Tempt me not." He shut his mouth, and Liz left.  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
Courtney stood on the docks, speaking to a beleaguered dolphin, whom she had captured and was forcing to listen to her tales of woe. We join her in mid-sentence.  
"...So I was like, I totally accept you Jason, and then he was like, but you always complain about it and cry all the time and blame me if I don't do what you want. And I'm like, well, if you want to nitpick, and he's like, I need to take a moment to collect my thoughts, and I said, have you collected them yet? What about now? How about now? Now? Now? Okay, now? And then he had the nerve to walk out! Can you believe it?" The dolphin made a piteous kill-me-now sort of noise. "I KNOW! So then I lost the baby and ran this girl down and got 'addicted' to pills, and he still was being, like, supportive or something, and I knew, I just knew it was because he was lying, and being dishonest and additionally untruthful, so I screamed at him a bunch, and then he walked out AGAIN? But I still took care of Carly's children and stole them from their father, because I totally am, like, the most sane and perfect of all the world, and Jason had the gall to be upset about the whole thing. So I said, 'I need a divorce, 'and he said, 'whatever you need,' and I was all, 'don't you believe in us at ALL?' and then he wouldn't tell me about the business, because I like, ideally mentioned, that I didn't want to be apart of it, and..." the dolphin began to bang it's little head on the dock, desperately, "...I cannot even believe he would bring a thing like that up after everything we've been through. So I said, 'I definitely want a divorce' and THEN, the other day, I caught MY husband, SPEAKING (!) to another woman! So I was like..." Just then, the dolphin made a desperate tug for freedom, tragically pulling it's leash so hard the Courtney was jolted off balance, struck her head on the dock, fell into the water, and drowned.  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
Across town, Jason felt no psychic notification that she had left the planet, remaining oblivious to the whole thing. Just then his phone rang. It was Sonny.  
"Listen, I'm going to be in session with my therapist for several months, and I realized that Carly should really, really, really, really be here with me, so I've had Lorenzo killed and Max go fetch her. Could you take care of the business for me while I'm away?" Jason confirmed that he would, and immediately ordered the death of Faith, since she had been a threat for too long, and also the death of Sage, because no one liked her anyway. He then gave the orders for the 'business' to be shut down, and stuffed teddies manufactured instead. Just then there was a knock at the door. It was Elizabeth,  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
Skye snapped to, realized that Luke was the same age as her father, and called Jax, who was thrilled to hear from her. They quickly reunited and honeymooned in Europe, stopping by Brenda's to say, "Neener neener neener." She promptly threw a hissy fit, but nobody cared.  
  
*At the Same Time*  
  
Georgie and Dillon recalled that they had been a fabulous couple before TPTB screwed it all up, and got back together post haste. Neither attended Sage's funeral.  
  
*Also*  
  
Nikolas remembered who he was, and told Mary that she really should commit herself at the soonest possible opportunity, and returned to Emily, who had to be hospitalized from dehydration because she had sobbed so much while he was away. But in the end they lived happily ever after. Their wedding was attended by Luke, with his fabulous, sane, on contract wife Laura, Leslie Lou, and the Jonathan Jackson, who was discovered in Helena's keeping, and they vowed never to recast him again.  
  
*And Now For The Happy Ending*  
  
"Elizabeth, what a surprise!" She looked at him tenderly.  
"Jason, I have bad news. Courtney is dead."  
"Ehhhh." He shrugged.  
"Oh! I feel the same way!" He swept her into his arms, whispering,  
"And do you feel the same way about me?" She gasped. "Of course! I love you Jason! The big bad nasty writer types who broke us up had no sense of who we are, and destroyed our characters for their own devious, evil ends!" She batted her eyes and laid a gentle hand on his chest. "In my opinion, we have amazing chemistry, fabulous rapport and we are the perfect couple!" He swung her around and placed her on the desk, and she wrapped her legs round his waist. He moved his face close to hers, saying, "I couldn't agree more." Before kissing her utterly silly. Naturally it didn't end there, but after all these years, I think they deserve a little privacy, so...  
  
And Then They Lived Happily Ever After!  
  
Feedback Always Appreciated. 


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